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Sam Wilson

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Zombie Stand Up

Me as head of the Zombie Survivors' Committee. Photo by Liesl Jobson.

I just got back from Lily Herne’s Deadlands party, where the younger part of the Lily team, Savannah Lotz, was talking to Lauren Beukes about the process of writing a book with The Mother. It was a fun evening, with plenty of zombie costumes, and Tape Hiss And Sparkle revealed to us to the zombie subtext of Boyz II Men.

For the evening, I was asked to write and perform some Zombie stand-up comedy. Here’s the transcript of my speech:

All right everyone, settle down, settle down! Survivors Committee call to order, please.

For the record this is Day 127 of the Zombie uprising, 25th of March by the old calander, which is also… National cleavage day! So that’s, er, jolly.

Now listen. I’m calling this meeting together because our supplies are low. According to this list, all we’ve got left is:

Half a pot of mayonnaise,

a slightly wrinkled tomato,

some chewable antacid,

an Endearmint,

and about 500 kilos of rat bobotie.

Seriously, please, will someone just eat it. Just think of rats as… the cows of the sewer. You can have the Endearmint afterwards if it helps.

You may need the antacid, too.

Unfortunately, even with all the bobotie, we only have enough food for about a week. That’s not a real problem, though, because we only have enough water for two days. I wouldn’t get too upset about that, though, because I’m told that the bars on the window will only last for about another 15 minutes.

Which brings us to the next critical point, defence.

Now, I know we all thought it was a good idea to vote Frano as the head of defence. He’s strong, he’s direct, he’s a man of few words, he can rip off a man’s head off with his bare hands. And I think that maybe we should have all just thought about that incident a bit more before voting.

So maybe next time we should go ahead and do some background checks, and make absolutely sure that the next person we vote for as the head of defence is NOT already a zombie. By now we should all be clear that there is in fact a difference between a thick Pofadder accent and the groans of the undead.

Oh! On the subject of voting, you remember we all agreed that since we were rebuilding society, we should have a name for new, er, fledgeling democracy? Well, the nominations for what we’re going to call our new country are in!

Don’t run off! I know you’re keen to get on with the defending, but this is good for morale.

This is the first time I’m seeing these. It’s all very exciting. The potential names for our new country are:

“Sipho’s mum’s house’s cellar.” Yes, all right, that accurate, but at some point we are going to try to expand our country beyond these walls at some point, so…

“Stevetopia.” Very mature, Steve.

“The People’s Republic of Steve’s Bonerville.” No.

“Lick Steve’s…” No.

“Steve’s Meatflap Paradise.” Oh, that’s just obscene. Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously then we might as well have a dictatorship. Is that what you want? No? Because if you all wake up tomorrow and find this place being run by jackbooted thugs then it’s all Steve’s fault.

And look, on the subject of our new civilisation, I know we’re running short of supplies but please, could we stop using the pages from our only encyclopedia toilet paper? Please, if you find it in your hearts, could you use one of the Heat magazines? We’ve got plenty of those! Someone ripped out the page about Penicillin yesterday. Penicillin! That could have been handy! Does anyone here know how to generate electricity? No? Not since curry night, we don’t!

Just, next time you go to the bathroom ask yourself, does the future depend on us preserving MORE THAN ONE article about Katy Perry’s cellulite? Would it kill you to wipe with one of the many, many pictures of the unthreateningly well-groomed teen sensation Justin Beiber? More than one generation will thank you!

Now I know we’re all very keen to get back to defending against that zombie attack, so just one last thing. The breeding program. I know the idea was vetoed and I respect that, but I can’t help but noticing that Steve is getting a lot of action lately, so if we started to think again, just think, mind you, no pressure, about repopulating the planet of a formal basis, then, as chairman of the survival committee, I am sort of, well, you know…

if we were gorillas, then I would be the silverback. Precedence. So just, putting it out there.

All right, here come the zombies, so good luck to everyone, and if we all survive then for tonight’s music evening, Mimi will be performing “A tribute to the silver voice Susan Boyle!” So that’s… worth living for.

See you on the other side!


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