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Sam Wilson

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Genre Stories 5

Genre Stories

Here’s the fifth collection of twitter-length stories.

Crime: “Wanna get high?” said the paraglider dealer. Brad was tempted. It had been a while. But he knew the product would be cut with tent.

Political: At the UN were 120 interpreters and Juan, who was translating speeches into the international language of love.

Adventure: “I’m gonna literally wipe the floor with you,” said the GI. “I doubt that,” said Hans, who was literally a Grammar Nazi.

Self-Help: Help yourself. To pudding. I can’t solve your problems in one tweet, but pudding is delicious.

Revisionism: The plagiarist Shakespeare stole and renamed the plays Sir Michael o’Bay: rIIIch-Hard, 2 Gentlemen 2 Verona, and ShrewTamer.

Crime: All the victims were the same: Perfectly healthy and alive, with one tiny paper-cut. This was the the work of a psychohomeopath.

Music History: 1976: US weaponises Disco Fever. 1983: USSR drops Da Bomb.

Fable: The Billy Goat Gruff convinced the troll that a more gullible goat would soon be on the comment thread.

Family drama: He enjoyed his daughter’s enthusiastic tales of spring break, and assumed she was listing Disneyland rides. Not sex positions.

Political: He was always vocally dismissive of the sheeple. Until he met the wolfple.

Crime: The police had no trouble catching the Dyslexia Killer. He’d written detailed descriptions of his murders in a dairy.

War: The Sergeant respected the General’s command of the tactical map, but worried about the “Brrrm!” sound he made when moving the tanks.

Legal: The music industry released a track about how copyright law stifles free speech. Protestors were then sued for infringing the lyrics.

Horror: “You’ll sleep like babies,” said the innkeeper. Which was true. They spent half the night screaming, and the other half throwing up.

Palindrome: These are easy, as long as you don’t mind the second half going gniog flah dnoces eht dnim tnod uoy sa gnol sa ysae era eseht.

Slice Of Life: In the interview he claimed he was a workaholic, but arrived drunk on the first day. He had his own definition of “Workahol”.

Music History: The punks were bored. They needed a new genre that would REALLY get up people’s noses. And call center music was born.

Scripture: “G-O-L-D!!!!” “FRANKINCENSE – Cheap!” “Myrrh – For Men. FREE SAMPLEZ!” Mary was getting suspicious about her son’s new followers.

Adventure: That awkward moment when you discover that the light at the end of the tunnel you were so relieved about is lava.

Erotic: “Who’s your equal?” he growled respectfully.

Action: “Extreme sports always have two extremes,” said the winner of the shortest triathlon, lowest bungee and least flips on a skateboard.

Occult: He marked the back of the carriage with a rune: A red “L”. A curse to summon lamp-posts and pedestrians out of nowhere.

Modern Fairytale: the Wicked Witch gave Snow White an apple, and cackled as the helpless princess drove up a massive debt on the app store.

Epic: The Thousand-Year War between the Thirty Tribes and the Dragoneers of Crya was brought to a sudden, devastating end by writer’s block.

Legal Drama: “I find the defendant…” coin arcs, lands in palm, slapped onto back of other hand, revealed, “…not guilty!” Mistrial.

Horror: The outbreak of vampirism amongst the walruses went completely unnoticed by everybody.

Time Travel: dox but couldn’t, because the past had already happened, so he tried to make a para

Trailer: The nihilists wear the symbol of the naught. If the priests don’t stop them, it’s Game Over. NAUGHTS AND CROSSES- THE MOVIE. 2012

RomCom: He caught her speeding, but blew it again. As she drove off she wished he’d just ask her out. This was costing a fortune in tickets.

Autobiographical: Hypocrisy is an absolutely terrible thing unless I’m doing it.

  • Previous collections: 1 2 3 4

 

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